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Posted by: John_Hamilton on 04/04/2012 10:50 AM
Updated by: John_Hamilton on 04/04/2012 10:52 AM
Expires: 01/01/2017 12:00 AM
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Respirit – Week 14 “Do I Want to be Free?” By Catherine Lewallen
Murphys, CA...Some of you may know I have a weakness for art, which, in my book, includes tattoos. I’ve considered getting a cancer ribbon tattooed somewhere on me, but I’ve hesitated because I’m not sure I should have a constant reminder of this disease. But on the other hand, I never go more than a few minutes without thinking about it anyway. When will I ever be free from this cancer? And do I want to be?...
I try to be careful to not allow cancer to define me. I am still just “Catherine.” Of course, I’m a mother, so in reality I’m just “Jonah’s mom.” I try to discourage people who didn’t find me particularly likeable before my diagnosis from feeling the need to be my friend now. I’m still the same bossy, opinionated girl I was before. To give myself a little credit, I probably have more patience now. I have acquired a greater passion for life and my faith in God. And perhaps I have developed more compassion and a less critical nature. But deep down, I am still the little girl that my parents’ friends remember… running around at the lake with zinc oxide on her nose, telling all the other kids what to do.
But certainly for people who have joined my life during this fight, the presence of this disease is a huge part of how they know me, especially if they only know me through my blog or through this column. Hopefully, regardless of how long I’ve had you in my life, you are aware that the gifts and opportunities I have received because of this struggle are overwhelming. What a chance to display what God can do for us even during the most intense suffering! I am so honored to be a witness to His Love and His Power. This includes if I end up dying of melanoma. I mean, what exactly defines a miracle?
A miracle is the single mom who makes time to go to her son’s games.
A miracle is the sick person who manages to serve another in need.
A miracle is the young boy whose heart is still open to his belief in a Sovereign God even amidst the fear of living without his mother.
A miracle is the people who are willing to love someone, knowing full well they may lose them to cancer.
A miracle is when Jesus is there to greet the survivor when they get to go home.
One of the exhausting things about a disease like cancer is that it sort of never goes away. You may receive a report of “remission” or “complete response” but the nagging fear in the back of your mind doesn’t really leave you. You will still have scans at regular intervals and each one will bring a level of anxiety. Or many cancer patients, like me, have to continue to take medication even after their cancer disappears. It therefore provides a constant struggle with side effects and a persistent reminder of their condition.
However, in some ways, cancer has given me an unbelievable freedom. It has gifted me with an ability to enjoy life in unimaginable ways. I am blessed with a desire to not waste a single day. Even days that are challenging because of my health or treatments, I am ridiculously motivated to get out of bed and to not let anything stop me. It is good to realize our days are already numbered. No matter what that number is, are you willing to just give one of those days away? One less day with your children because you’re depressed? One less day with your friends because you’re feeling lazy? One less day with your parents because you’re just not “up to it?” I’m not willing to give up any of those things for any of those reasons.
So I guess the question remains, “Do I want to be free from cancer?” Maybe not. It reminds me to be optimistic and hopeful each day. It encourages me to relentlessly profess my love and affection to those around me. It provides an opportunity to write or speak about God’s presence in my life. It makes others interested to hear how I can possibly be so happy despite my disease. All of these things have created a fulfilling life that I might not have had otherwise. All of these things have provided the chance to minister to others. All of these things are what truly define me. It is not cancer that does that. What defines me is what I have chosen to do about it and what God is doing through it.
Editors Note...Catherine's fight with cancer and the manner in which she has fought it publicly has been an inspiration to many. If you would like some context and a more personal look at her battle you can find it on the Caring Bridge Website Here! We would like to welcome Catherine as one of our contributors and we hope her story can help you along your journey in life.
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