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Posted by: John_Hamilton on 02/06/2012 06:41 AM
Updated by: John_Hamilton on 03/04/2012 08:58 PM
Expires: 01/01/2017 12:00 AM
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Respirit – Week 6 “Defining Success” By Catherine Lewallen
Murphys, CA...I am so excited that cancer has helped me become the person I never realized I could be. Suffering has made me move so much more slowly and deliberately. I have had many opportunities to examine my attitudes and reassess my motivations. I have to come to realize that any success I’ve enjoyed that was not purposefully dedicated to His glory was not a success....
I have always been a competitive person. I started dancing at age 3, and began competing at age 9. Anything less than first place was not good enough. I also strived similarly in the classroom. I didn’t want to do my best; I wanted to do better than everyone else. In the Gifted and Talented Program, we had monthly awards assemblies. I remember one assembly that I got nothing. How crazy that I remember that! It took place in 2nd grade, 30 years ago. Part of the reason for the memory, was because I had a teacher who sarcastically told the class, “Be nice to Catherine today; she didn’t get an award finally.”
I continued to put intense pressure on myself to win. I even developed nervous habits because of the stress I created on my poor child psyche. Please know that this neurosis came from no one but me. My parents would never do such a thing. I would seek out opportunity after opportunity to compete. History Day competitions… Spelling Bees… Math Contests… Becoming Class President… Inventing a class economic system of which (of course) I had to be the bank’s President.
Into high school, the insanity subsided a bit when my family relocated from Orange County to the slower pace of Calaveras County. But unfortunately, my focus would get even more askew because my family would no longer attend church at all. We went from being Sunday-only worshipers, to nothing. At the time, I was probably glad. No more boring Sunday services.
With my college degree in hand, all I could think was how I was going to make money with it. I also remember thinking, “No one can ever take this away from me.” Did I think I could take it with me? I don’t remember considering even once how I would use that accomplishment to spread His Word. I never thanked Him. I was simply proud of myself and another of “my” successes.
At any point during my life, if you had asked me, I would have assured you that I was a Christian. I certainly believed there was a God in Heaven. I just never acknowledged that He was also here, working in my life. About 5 years ago, my wonderful son started expressing great interest in our faith. He asked a lot of questions I just couldn’t answer. My son began to remind me daily of God’s presence. I started to open my heart to Him.
We stepped back into church about 3 years ago. I also enrolled my son in a private Christian school. I decided to take on reading the entire Bible, from beginning to end. This is not necessarily the best way to introduce yourself to all of His message, but it worked for me. We started not just worshiping on Sunday, but studying and talking about Him each day. Behavior issues were addressed through Scripture. Worries were alleviated with His Word. I started becoming more and more involved in our church: hosting movie nights, serving as Lector, then on the Vestry, next as a Lay Eucharistic Minister. I then adopted Christian curriculum to the preschool that I own. I knew I could no longer touch the lives and minds of children while denying who gave me the skill and the right to do so. Finally, He was truly right where He belongs: in the center of my life.
With the diagnosis of cancer, I have even more clearly defined my relationship with Him. Nothing begins or ends without Him. I can’t imagine not acknowledging Him as part of absolutely everything we do. Most importantly, every success is proof of His magnificence. To those people who wonder how I can remain so full of hope and happiness in the face of this horrible disease: it is Him.
Here is a wonderful side-effect of being a more godly woman and mother and teacher: I feel I am worthy. I look back at poor choices I made in my life – choices that definitely did not glorify Him – and know that I was not in any way realizing the potential that God gave me. I was living only for myself. I was bringing things into my life that were not worthy of the princess that I am. I am the daughter of a King, and should have been treating myself as such. Without God, nothing was worth patience or diligence because someone without God in their life wants things right now. If you are living spiritually alone, you desire things that just feel good. Now, I know what real satisfaction is: making myself as Christ-like as possible. That means a woman without addictions, with self-control, who serves, who gives more than I think I’m able, who speaks carefully and kindly without harshness or negativity, and so much more. I now know I can patiently wait for any gift or success. I will never settle for less than what He has promised me. He has a perfect plan for me, and my job is to mold myself into a Christian woman worthy of such a blessing.
God teaches us about ambition very clearly in the Bible. One of my favorites is in the book of Haggai. In verses 7-11, He clearly explains why His people are lacking success. They have failed to do His work first. They do not glorify Him, but only seek to fulfill their own short-term needs. This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways… You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?... Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house.”
Editors Note...Catherine's fight with cancer and the manner in which she has fought it publicly has been an inspiration to many. If you would like some context and a more personal look at her battle you can find it on the Caring Bridge Website Here! We would like to welcome Catherine as one of our contributors and we hope her story can help you along your journey in life.
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