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Posted by: John_Hamilton on 03/27/2012 10:00 AM
Updated by: John_Hamilton on 03/27/2012 10:02 AM
Expires: 01/01/2017 12:00 AM
:
Respirit – Week 13 “What will you allow Him to do?” By Catherine Lewallen
I thought maybe it would be good time to clear up a couple misconceptions about my journey through cancer and its link to my faith. I think perhaps some readers think that I “found God” during the course of my illness. I also feel that people might misunderstand my acceptance of cancer as part of God’s plan for me because I am taking a treatment to which I am responding. Neither statement is accurate and the latter could not be further from the truth…
My journey to God began with the birth of my son. Though I was raised attending church fairly regularly, it wasn’t something I’d let into my heart. Nor was it something that guided my actions. After Jonah was born almost a decade ago, my first thought was “It’s a boy!” My second thought was “God forgives.” I think I had been waiting on some level for some well-deserved punishment by a malevolent God. Having a child was so important to me, and I guess I figured that would be a good way for God to really get even.
Even after this revelation and the immense gratitude I felt, I still didn’t really let Him change my heart. I certainly believed in Him, but an observer wouldn’t have necessarily felt it just from seeing me or meeting me. After about age four, it became incredibly apparent that Jonah was drawn to God. All of the normal preschool-age questions about death were worded differently than I had heard from the preschoolers I encountered in my job. He wouldn’t ask what happened after we died; he would ask what heaven was like. He wouldn’t wonder about God; he would contemplate what he would say to Him when he met Him.
I soon realized that I couldn’t answer many of Jonah’s amazing questions. I was also being drawn back into the faith I had virtually abandoned somewhere around high school. So, we started attending church again and Jonah was enrolled in a private Christian school. God made His way into my heart and my faith started to evolve. What started as a peaceful Sunday activity became something we talked about constantly. We started spending a lot of time in prayer and studying Scripture. Sometimes I taught Jonah. Sometimes Jonah taught me.
In retrospect, I can’t help but marvel at how He sent a little child to save me. When the time came for my diagnosis, I was prepared. I had been trained to be a warrior. We knew how to rely on Him for strength and to trust in Him with all of our hearts. If we had to go through cancer without God, we would have been overcome by fear and depression and anger.
After last week’s column, there was quite a response particularly about the presence of God within suffering. In fact, some readers may have felt that I didn’t fall into the category of “tragedy” because you see the picture of me at the top of this column looking healthy and happy. You read my words that are full of gratitude for my healing and optimism and praise. But have you forgotten that hearing my diagnosis was sort of a bad day? Did I not express that being told I wouldn’t make it to see last Christmas was not the best news I’d ever heard? How about the conversation with my 8-year-old about how he could keep me in his heart and talk to me in prayer if we were separated by death?
So, now I can feel myself getting a little fired up, so bear with me. But please don’t talk down to me about tragedy. Don’t condescend that other people have suffered and endured loss that I can’t possibly understand. It is hurtful and insulting. The fact that I have God along for my journey and that I have dedicated my suffering to Him has changed almost everything. It hasn’t changed the physical pain. It hasn’t changed the heartbreak over watching my son’s anxiety grow. It doesn’t take away my parents’ anguish over possibly out-living their only daughter.
So what has it changed?
It has made me confident that there is a plan within this chaos. It has comforted me to know that this earth that I may leave sooner than expected is not my home anyway. I knew He might not save me by healing me here in this world, but I knew he would save me when the perfect moment had arrived. I did not experience these changes only after my treatment started working. I felt them every day while I awaited surgery and the removal of multiple organs. I knew them while I spent a month of agony in the bone marrow transplant wing of Stanford Hospital, missing Easter and Mother’s Day with my son. I was certain of them as I waited fruitlessly to join a drug trial, only to miss out on it because the cancer spread to my brain first. And I thank Him for them every day as I take my 4 pills in the morning and my 4 pills at night, as I get relentlessly burned by the sun because of them, as I limp around or favor one arm when the joint pain is intolerable, or when I desperately try to do something with a crazy head of chemo hair.
So don’t ask me why God allows suffering. I don’t know. I just trust Him. I look all day every day to see how I can make cancer be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I long for more ways to glorify Him through it all and that is what faith is about. I hear nothing but emptiness and bitterness in the voices of non-believers and I know my voice doesn’t sound anything like theirs. I pray that anyone who comes anywhere near me sees that He has changed me. I aspire to shine with His Light and His Love for the whole world to see.
One of my life missions is to help others when they suffer. I want to heal their pain with my experience and by showing them how I conquered cancer. I don’t mean physically. Even if my tumors start growing again tomorrow, I will continue to have the upper hand on this disease because I face it with a heartfelt understanding that I am in good hands. I am not just a pinball being bounced around with no purpose or no guidance. My job is to find a way to land with grace. My job is to seek out opportunity at every point on my path. My job is to thank Him and give Him all glory when I triumph and even when I fail. My job is to show you what He has done for me amidst suffering, because in this life you will suffer. That is a given. The only question is “What will you allow Him to do when it happens to you?”
Editors Note...Catherine's fight with cancer and the manner in which she has fought it publicly has been an inspiration to many. If you would like some context and a more personal look at her battle you can find it on the Caring Bridge Website Here! We would like to welcome Catherine as one of our contributors and we hope her story can help you along your journey in life.
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