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Posted by: John_Hamilton on 03/12/2012 03:22 PM
Updated by: John_Hamilton on 03/12/2012 03:25 PM
Expires: 01/01/2017 12:00 AM
:
Respirit – Week 11 “A Promise Fulfilled” By Catherine Lewallen
Murphys, CA...I set a goal for myself last year. It was to live free from regret. It was to gladly accept God’s plan for me and to use it for His glory. This goal is a challenge, especially when cancer is part of His plan. But I realized this week that I achieved my goal. Not only that, but He has graced me with true gratitude to have had this disease in my life. I wouldn’t change a thing...
The very nature of cancer, especially metastatic melanoma, does not allow complete confidence in recovery. Eighty-five percent of melanoma patients succumb to the disease within three years. It is nearly impossible even for an optimistic Christian to reconcile these statistics with a desire to be hopeful. So at some point, I had to get real with myself. I had to accept that God’s plan for me might include being conquered by this disease. I needed to be able to greet each day with the same passion and zeal, despite the fear that my son may lose his mother before he even started high school.
I must admit to being afraid at times. It is a natural human emotion, despite being told in the Bible (365 times!) not to fear. That means, each day of the year, you could find a different message from God that describes His desire for us to live with His peaceful assurance. I wanted to believe that He would save me. I did live with confidence in His power, but at times my confidence wavered in His actual plan. I was unable to see the goodness in my nine-year-old enduring the pain of being motherless. The truth is, I am still unable to see how that could possibly be a good thing! But I don’t have to. God has not promised an explanation. But He does promise His Love, and that is more than enough.
I made a conscious decision to follow the gospel. His Word became a set of completely “black and white” instructions, and I joyfully abandoned all personal adaptations that can be defined therefore as “grey.” This commitment loosened my grip on my earthly attachments. This was a radical rearrangement of my life. Not because I was living extremely recklessly or sinfully, but because it required a complete “emptying” of myself so that I could be filled with Him. “Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 10:39).
Next, I had to wait. I tend to be extremely impatient. I enjoy controlling my every situation and living within my own personal plan. But instead, I abandoned all preconceptions of how my life would unfold and just lived for Him. Each day was filled with a holy, joyful expectancy that is the very essence of the true waiting of a believer. As I now see how my life is blooming, I wonder, was He only waiting to see if I would learn to love the dreams that He had dreamed for me?
As I sit here today, I have experienced a miraculous healing. You may think it’s easy to be grateful when my story has had a happy ending. But with a disease such as cancer, it is difficult to be free from the fear of a relapse. My life still involves PET scans at regular intervals. I still endure the burden of toxic pills each and every day. The imprint of this trial is forever stamped on our memories and within our outlook for the future.
But I look around in complete amazement at the blessings that He has bestowed upon my son and me. We are in awe of how happy we are. He has brought us our hearts’ every desire, because our only desires are to know Him and to live for Him. I would never trade the struggle with this disease for anything, for it brought me to where I am today. In addition to the family that I was born into, I have a new family that is bound together by Christ, with Christ, and through Christ.
I am grateful for every second of every day. I constantly and desperately try to express to Him my passion for Him. My son has seen how deeply we have been blessed because of our relentless desire to follow Scripture. At only nine years old, he wholeheartedly and with great comfort believes in the truths of His Word. When he is confused or worried, he knows where to look for the answer. “Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you” (Psalm 116:7). I could attempt to list the countless gifts I have received this year, but it is not needed. I have been fulfilled simply because God has blessed me with Himself.
Editors Note...Catherine's fight with cancer and the manner in which she has fought it publicly has been an inspiration to many. If you would like some context and a more personal look at her battle you can find it on the Caring Bridge Website Here! We would like to welcome Catherine as one of our contributors and we hope her story can help you along your journey in life.
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